anticipation

I am strangely excited about tomorrow.  Tomorrow is our consent signing appointment where we get to read about all of the risks at stake when embarking on in-vitro fertilization with ICSI.  I am hopeful that this two hour appointment will also cover which protocol I will be on because despite my google-ing efforts, I have failed to narrow down an obvious winner.

I am also nervous.  Not the bad kind of nervous.  More the butterflies in my stomach kind of nervous.  This is a foreign feeling for me, one I have not felt for quite some time.  This will be the official beginning of our trying to get pregnant mission.  We will no longer be benched on the sidelines waiting for some glimmer of hope.  We will have a real chance.

I am optimistic and excited right now and I am going to go with it.

This was taken in July at Lower Joffre Lake in Permberton, British Columbia, just before we embarked for upper Joffre Lake (where the snow is)

fall bliss

I have been to yoga and body pump tonight.  I figured two hours at the gym could not hurt if I took it easy.  It is so much easier to get out of my head if I am concentrating on beating everyone else in the class.. I am just a tad competitive.  Now that I am even more physically exhausted than I was this afternoon, I am taking care of my left over anxiety with a nice glass of wine, okay I will be honest, it is more like two nice glasses of wine and a bit of etsy dreaming and online browsing.. browsing does not break the "I can't, we're buying the chance at a baby" rule.  Here is what I have found and might need in the not so distant future...

This is haunting but gorgeous.  Sparrow by Shannon Leigh Studios

I love the smell of candles inside pumpkins on Halloween night.  Pumpkin Glow by Shannon Leigh Studios.

The Give Thanks platter is beautiful and our Canadian Thanksgiving is just a week and a half away.

free and clear

I am trying to figure out how to describe yesterday's events.  The morning was full of anxiety and stomach knots but thankfully my Husband was here to try and keep me calm.  Every time the door would open at the clinic I would hope that the nurse would not call my name.  They are just so punctual there though that it was soon our turn.  The worst part of the test was definitely the tube.  I think actually seeing it was worse then feeling it.  I do not do well when presented with medical equipment.

The test lasted five minutes.  While I did not enjoy any part of the five minutes, it definitely was not the worst five minutes of my life.

I am all clear!  No, that is not a typo, I am all clear and seemingly issue free!  The reproductive endocrinologist was trying to get me to watch the "beautiful spill over" of the liquid via the screen, but I thought it best not to risk passing out so my Husband watched instead.  This is great news for us.  Having one major issue to tackle is challenge enough.  Next milestone.. friday's consent signing.. bring it on.

I was surprised how tired I was post test yesterday and had difficulty not feeling somewhat violated.  I suppose this is something I will need to work on, as infertility seems to force you into many uncomfortable physical situations.  

For now I will try to relish in the small victory and look forward to being one step closer to becoming three or maybe four.

I love this girl with plane polaroid.  It hangs in our master bedroom where it reminds me to try to be a little more care free in life.

stage fright

Tomorrow is test day take two, otherwise known as hysterosonogram day in our house.  I will admit that I am very nervous for this procedure and have found myself awake at ungodly hours the past few nights for no apparent reason.  Google has not been on my side when it comes to the hysterosonogram, linking me to various horror stories of excruciating pain.  I have been fortunate to speak with a couple of women who have undergone this test previously and apparently only experienced mild discomfort, so I am trying to mentally go with that, but I am failing.

I am also trying to figure out how many advil I can safely take.  The clinic is recommending a mere two which is generally my go-to advil standard however I have heard that other clinics prescribe tougher meds such as Demerol.  This is increasing my anxiety.  If they are prescribing Demerol why I am only getting advil? 

Okay the stress is clearly taking over right now.  I just need to find a way to relax today to make it to tomorrow without working myself into a complete stress induced craze.  My plan of attack is Badger's Cheerful Mind Balm, some yoga or body attack, a complete boycott on google and a focus on the relaxing weekend that we just had.  Hopefully that will do the trick.  If nothing else, I will remember how good The Town was on friday night, seriously, go and see it.  

On Wood Floors by She Hit Pause Studios

indian summer

I realize that fall just officially started, however yesterday and this morning here in Ottawa have definitely hinted at summer, reminding me of one of my favourite movies filmed here in Ontario at Camp Tamakwa.. Indian Summer.  I have been trying to get my hands on a copy of this movie for too long.

Indian Summer

some beautiful things

It is a cold Ottawa morning, but I am lucky to be working from home today with the company of my cats.  While drinking my first cup of decaf organic green tea this morning, I stumbled across a few beautiful things online.

There is something about this picture from Anthropologie that is so cosy and relaxed, yet refined at the same time.  I suddenly want to go horse back riding.

I love the mustard top mixed with the great pattern of this Seaside Fields Dress also from Anthropologie.

Such a beautiful papercut on Etsy from Tina Tarnoff

 

I absolutely believe in kissing.. a lot. What a wonderful quote!  From 3LambsGraphics.

about that soccer field or why I believe in fate

I remember the instant that I fell for my Husband.  I was thirteen and we were in gym class.  I remember it vividly as my best friend had accused me immediately after the game of falling for him.  I do not think it is normal to know who you want to marry when you are thirteen but this is what happened to me.

Of course I was completely shy at the time and my strategy when it came to men, or well boys at the time, was largely to ignore them and hope that they would work through my icy exterior.  So I waited.  I dated.  I fell for other men, but I never forgot and always hoped that in the end he would be the one.

My Mother would always tell me that if it is meant to be, it will happen.  This is a hard statement for a thirteen year old to swallow.  It is even harder for a sixteen year old and harder still for a twenty year old.  But she was right.  It did happen.  It was meant to be.  He made a move... when I was twenty.

So I do believe in fate.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and that if it is meant to be, it will happen.  I am hopeful that we are meant to be three.. or four, but hope can be a scary and dangerous thing in times like these.

cat love

I had cat guilt this morning.  We have two very different cats that I completely adore.  This morning they were both giving me the "why are you leaving me again" look.  Here's a peak at "Little One" although she clearly isn't little...

love birds

No, I'm not talking about my Husband and I, although I will delve more into that in my next post.  What I am talking about is the print that is hopefully in the mail on its way to its new home in our house.

With the first day of fall now here, I have decided that it is time to dive into some new house projects.  Luckily this print was extremely affordable so it can bypass my usual excuse these days.... "I can't, we're buying a baby."  Yes I realize that we are not actually buying a baby, we are buying the chance at a baby.. or two.


Love Birds by onceuponapaper



yesterday

Yesterday's test day surprised me.  The clinic threw me a curve ball and had my blood-work done first.  Well I think that their surprise tactic worked to their advantage as I made it through without fainting thanks in part to the apple juice post draw.. yes I am a child I know.

The ultrasound technician was quite the surprise.  She actually gave me a motivational speech whilst in ultrasound delivering mode. Quite a talent I think!

So overall I will mark that experience down as a positive one, minus the firealarm that went off mid ultrasound of course but they can't control that.

I left the clinic on a minor high, convinced that we can do this, but over the course of the rest of the day my worrying took over and I couldn't quite shake the anxiety.  Today is a new day and I will try to google less, workout more, definitely hunt down some chocolate and crack open a bottle of wine at the end of the day.

Hopefully today will be a little less like yesterday.

summer lover

Today is the last day of summer.  I am the type of person who basks in the heat and wears a minimum of five under-coat layers in the winter.  So long summer.. I will miss you..

My Husband took this picture outside of the Acacia House B&B in Acadia, Maine

test day

Today is test day for me.  I have knots in my stomach just thinking about them.  Normally I fear medical tests because of the needles involved and the inevitable fainting that will ensue.  Yes I faint when I get blood taken.  Every nurse seems convinced that the last nurse was just not a super star like she is and then I try to tell her no, it's not like that, it's just me.  Rarely do they listen and I usually get to hear "she's going down" when I do prove them wrong.

This time around I am less nervous about the actual physical aspects of the tests.  I am nervous because it is becoming real.  The past several months the focus medically has been on my Husband.  Now it's my turn.  Next week we sign the papers and then it will become even more real.

Thinking back to a year ago, I think I would have had trouble believing that this is the place we would be in now.  Right now the idea of a baby seems so foreign.  A couple of weeks ago I got to see my Husband hold a ten day old baby.  It was awesome and heart breaking at the same time.

One positive aspect to test day..  it gets us one day closer to consent day which gets us closer to IVF with ICSI day.  Test day isn't sounding so bad after-all.

saturday plans

Hopefully mother nature will cooperate this afternoon so we can go and visit this beautiful place..

Gatineau Park Beaver House

feeling a bit like fall out there

It's another beautiful morning here in Ottawa. I don't know where the summer went. It seems that it was hot and humid a couple of weeks ago and now I find myself having to layer every time I leave the house. I need to pace myself otherwise I'll never be able to handle the Ottawa frigid winter!

I am typically a summer person however lately the prospect of not having to fight with my hair in the humidity has made the fall more appealing. Here are a few things that are getting me excited for the fall..

I just love the caption..  Would love to curl up with this in hand!  http://www.etsy.com/shop/Brookish

Oh Hunter Boots..  I've worn them camping all summer but I'm excited to use them in everyday life. http://www.woman-hood.com/?p=9067

I find painting so satisfying.  Once you go Farrow & Ball you will never go back..  Next projects on the list: master en-suite and our front entrance-way.

my breakup with the pill

I had a solid relationship with the Pill for a good 10 years.  It provided me with security, lowered anxiety and good skin.  Our breakup occurred roughly a year ago, was not mutual and did not end well for either party.  The pill managed to take off with my health and left me unprepared for the raw emotional state it left me in.

Who gets hot flashes in their 20's - me and not just once, let's try more like every night for a good three months until my naturopath introduced me to a miracle liquid which put out the recurring fires immediately.  Next we have raging acne, although not a completely foreign concept to me it managed to reduce me to a hermit who cried at the site of herself in a mirror.  Add in the sudden food sensitivities and lack of a cycle for several months and you will understand why I will never take up with the pill again.

Luckily I came out on top in a few areas..

I discovered that there is a wonderful alternative to our health care system - pay for it yourself and seek a naturopath.  This helped get to root of why my body was rebelling post pill breakup and has put a halt to the raging acne. 

I also realized that when I was on the pill everything felt kind of hazed over where as now everything feels so raw and emotional. I honestly feel everything. My husband might disagree but I secretly really love this part of the breakup!

In short, I kind of wish the pill and I had never been introduced and that google had been more popular 10 years ago so I could have investigated its not so pleasant secrets!

where was the caution sign?

We decided to start trying when I was 26 years old almost exactly a year ago.  Personally I thought getting pregnant would be easy as my mom always said that she could blink and be pregnant.  I thought fertility clinics were for people who found each other later in life.  Oh I was so wrong.

I was laying on a table full of acupuncture needles when my Naturopath broke the news of my Husband's semen analysis - he was low - too low to be tested.  This was five months into our trying to become three mission.  It took us a while to absorb what exactly this meant.  My Husband tried to remain optimistic while we tried some herbal remedies but my obsessive google-ing opened up my eyes to a world that I never wanted to know, that of infertility.

Fast forward to July and we found ourselves at the fertility clinic excited to move forward.  Enter a whole slew of tests for my Husband, a referral to a urologist and more tests to come for me. 

3000... my Husband's count was at 3000.  This was worse then we had anticipated.  A lovely hormone called FSH was through the roof which meant that his brain was telling his body to produce sperm but his body wasn't living up to the task at hand.

Fast forward to today and we have our consent appointment booked and we're eager to get this needle party started and turn our family of two into three... or maybe four....

Looking back a year I would have loved if someone could have given me a few words of caution.  Maybe if more people talked about infertility I wouldn't have been so naive in the first place.

such a pretty morning

This morning reminds me of this gorgeous morning just a couple of weeks ago in Acadia National Park..

like a band-aid

I've spent the better part of this year thinking that I would start a blog.  I obsessed for months about what I would name the blog, what I would focus on and most importantly what it would look like.

This morning my blog template was officially loaded so now I have to rip it off like a band-aid and start posting.

I fell in love with my Husband on a soccer field in grade 8.  Kept that a secret until I was 20 and the rest is history.  We have been trying to become three for about a year - well not really but I'll get into that - and are now venturing into the oh so scary needle infused territory of IVF with ICSI.

I am a recruiter by day but long to be an interior designer or camp director.  I am passionate about camping, hiking, body attack, yoga, organic food, and all things design related.  I am a chronic google-er and obsessive organizer. 

I am currently trying anything and everything to maintain my sanity (and that of my Husband's)!

Okay band-aid successfully ripped off.  Hello world of blogging!