zero to fifteen in two seconds, and a little something spooky

Lately I find myself not acting like myself.  I go from zero to about a solid fifteen in less than two seconds.  It is kind of like a little monster is hidden in me and takes inopportune moments to rear its little head.  One second everything is fine.  Two seconds later and I have substantially overreacted.  I know when it is happening that it is ridiculous.  I just cannot seem to help it.

By some miracle, my Husband seems to be handling these situations amazingly.  Some might say almost too well.  How is it that he knows how to deal with this little monster that I become yet I do not?  He seems almost immune.  I hope he keeps his game face on because the best... well worst really... is likely yet to come.  The scariest part... this is me... pre injection suppressants and stimulants.  Oh god.  I do not even want to contemplate the not so distant likely occurrences when I am all hopped up on the drugs.

I am trying.  I am trying to be calm.  I am trying to accept what is coming.  I cannot let the little monster win. 

Now, on to the little something spooky...  My favourite scary movie of all time...

Return to Oz... now you might be thinking how scary can this movie be... but until you have experienced the wheelers and the heads yelling Dorothy Gale do not judge

the wheelers via

the heads via

Scared yet?  

Happy Halloween!

boots boots boots

It gets cold quickly here.  One day you are in a sweater and flats, and the next you are forced to put on that winter coat and pull up those winter boots.  I have my eye on a pair of boots.  Apparently everyone in Montreal had their eye on these boots as well as they did not have my size anywhere.  Maybe Santa will bring them... or maybe not... that is okay too.  Besides all I really want for Christmas is a pregnant belly.

Okay that is likely a very dangerous thing to say.  Unfortunately it is the truth.

Back to the boots... here they are....

BelCloud by Ugg... These are the ones I would really love.  Less bulky than the traditional Ugg but just as warm!  Perfect to wear with jeans.

Helen of Tundra II by Sorel... these are a less pricy option.  Who knew Sorel's came in a slightly more fashionable style?

how hard could it be, or my hexagonal tile pursuit

Yesterday's attempts to abolish the headache can be chalked up to one word... fail. Now I will admit that my mid day emergency acupuncture appointment provided immediate relief and left me in a temporary state of bliss.. unfortunately the headache was just bound and determined to have one last go at my sanity.

I was able to distract myself for a couple of hours with a much needed trip to Home Sense for some Christmas (yes I just said IT already and it is only October) decorating shopping with my Mom. We may just have two new additions to our not so humble abode... white reindeer. I think I am almost more excited to see the cats with this new addition then the actual decor factor of the purchase.

Speaking of decor. I am still mulling over our front entrance-way. I firmly believe that the former home owners thought that they were purchasing a Mexican Hacienda when selecting the ceramic tiles in our entrance-way. While I have been perusing online inspiration ideas, I had yet to find one that really pulled me in. That was until last week. Last week I purchased the new House and Home magazine and fell in love with Suzanne Dimma's front entrance-way.

This is Suzzane's front entrance-way pre November 2010 issue.  The newest image can be viewed here.

I love the hexagonal penny floor tiles.  I need them.  How hard could it possibly be to smash out the existing tile and install this gorgeous tile which will certainly add some much needed character to our five year young home?  Time for some intense google-ing which will hopefully answer the above posed question and get me one step closer to losing the Mexican tile.

Oh and as a final note, I have nothing against Mexican decor... I would live in Mexico if I could.... I just do not believe it belongs in my home in Canada.

bed is calling

Today is one of those days where I feel like I could sleep forever. I was really hoping to ride out the relaxed state of the weekend. Apparently this is not happening. My neck is so tight right now, I am pretty sure I am getting ear infections in both ears (who gets ear infections when they are twenty seven, that would be me) and I have been hoarding a headache for the last twenty four hours. Really, bed is sounding better by the second.

Unfortunately life does not care if you feel this way and onward I must go. I have to say that I am getting rather fed up with this up and down behaviour. One minute I feel good and relatively positive and the next I am a ball of nerves, wreaking havoc on my previously calm state.

I do not believe that there is a quick, one size fits all, fix to this problem. For now I will have to apply several band aide solutions in hopes of keeping the tension at bay. I went for a massage last week and as luck would have it, my massage therapist had twin girls, lovely for her, not so lovely for me to hear about whilst in massage receiving mode. Would it be wrong to inquire pre-appointment whether the therapist has recently become a Mother? I am thinking that would not be the best idea. Perhaps an acupuncture appointment will provide some temporary relief. Child free acupuncturist.... check.

Wishing I could just be in here for the day, with all of the magazines of course!

Well Read by JKLDesign via Etsy

old montreal

This weekend was just what we needed.  Despite the weather feeling more and more like winter, we spent most of the weekend roaming pretty streets and warming up in pretty cafes and boutiques.

We spent some time dreaming about what life will be like if our first IVF round does work and I have to admit, it felt great.  I am almost afraid to go there but what is the alternative?  If it does not work I will be devastated regardless of whether we let ourselves dream now and besides, being optimistic feels good for a change.

Here is a peak into our weekend.

Happy Monday!

A walkway in Old Montreal

Love the old buildings and winding streets

Notre-Dame Basilica

Hotel Nelligan, our favourite Montreal boutique hotel

Juliette et Chocolat... amazing!!  I felt like I was living in Meryl Streep's "It's Complicated" Cafe

These were so warm and oh so good

These are from Les Glaceurs in Old Montreal.  I know I am not supposed to eat them but I did!

so happy it's friday

I am so looking forward to a nice post work yoga class and then our getaway to Montreal tomorrow!

via Lola & Emily... a boutique that I am dying to visit in Montreal!

pick me up, hello iclw!

Last thursday I spent an hour with a woman talking about my life.  This was not some stranger I met on the street.  This was a fertility psychologist.  Things became normal for an hour.  She had an amazing ability to make me feel like I was feeling the way I was supposed to feel.  Things were put in perspective.  I should not expect to feel normal.  It is not shocking that I feel isolated when I am around other people.  I should not fight this.  How can I not feel isolated when so few people can relate.

One hour later and I felt more in control than I have in months.  A few things really resonated with me.  My Husband will not know what to say to make me feel better.  When a woman decides that she wants to have a baby she wants it to have happened yesterday.  Men do not feel this sense of urgency.  Now I do have to say that I consider my Husband somewhat exempt from the lack of urgency.  That being said, I cannot expect him to know what to say in moments of weakness when I do not know what would make me feel better in those moments.

Another key revelation.. I need to reward myself... enough of this "i can't we're buying the chance at a baby".  We are not talking a Holt Renfrew shopping spree here, but I do need to get out and be with people and treat myself well.  This is a trying time and it is not the time to be neglecting myself.  So.. what are we doing this weekend?  We are going on a mini getaway to The Nelligan in Old Montreal... I am excited!

Tomorrow... bring on the Marvelon!

Rue St-Paul, Old Montreal, via

 

so gorgeous

Such pretty i do and more options...

Maybe if Vera Wang did not exist I would have stumbled on these a few years ago...

A Peaceful Afternoon Dress by SarahSeven

Although not an i do option, very pretty for other occasions.. Blackberry Jam Skirt and Bow Shirt by SarahSeven

Love Story by SarahSeven

my november, hello ivf calendar

I am feeling a bit lighter today.  I think the fact that I have my in vitro timeline is helping me to calm down a little.  I realize that this is a rough estimate and that the doctors and nurses at the clinic are not psychic (well not that I know of), and therefore cannot predict how my body will react to every drug at every step, but it is a calendar nonetheless and it is helping me visualize how this will all go down in theory.

October 22nd: Start Marvelon Birth Control Pill (Is it just me or does this brand sound extremely archaic? It sounds like something my Grandmother would have taken seventy years ago)

November 2nd: Injection Instruction Visit with a Nurse (Let the fun times begin!)

Somewhere between November 2nd and November 11th: Begin Suprefact Injections (Hello suppression!)

November 11th: Stop Marvelon

November 18th: Bloodwork (and so the frequent monitoring appointments (bloodwork and ultrasounds) begin)

Somewhere between November 11th and November 18th: Start Puregon Injections (Hello stimulants!) and continue Surprefact (more needles, how lovely!)

Week of November 29th: Egg Retrieval (36 hours prior will be given the trigger shot by nurse Andrew, aka my Husband)

3 - 5 days after Egg Retrieval: Embryo Transfer

2 weeks later and it will either be my birthday or Christmas... let's hope it is a time to celebrate!

So there you have it, our life for the next two months.  Let the good times roll..

Let's hope we look this happy come December!  Taking on a hike in Whistler in July.

wishing on day one, well two really

Today is day one...ish, possibly day two.  Let us just say that my body is not completely precise or predictable.  Either way, we get to start today!  I made the first of many calls to the nursing line at the fertility clinic at seven am this morning.  They will call me back with my first prescription.. the no longer dreaded birth control pill.  I cannot dread that which may get us closer to being three, so for now I will make a truce with the pill.

Today the possibilities are beginning to surface.  I feel good.

Lips and Flower by She Hit Pause Studios

speaking up

I am having a rare moment where I am actually capable of focusing on one thing for more than one second.  These moments are facing extinction these days so I better take advantage of it.  Over this past year there have been several moments where I have thought about how naive I was at the beginning of this journey.  One moment that sticks out is one I spent with a good friend early on in our struggle, who logically suggested that if we had problems we would have options.  These options may cost a lot of money and may not be easy but they exist.  I remember thinking that we would never need to contemplate this further, we would not need these options. 

As months went by and our prognosis worsened, the layers between myself and these so called options began to thin.  I am now so thankful that these options exist.  I have come a long way.  I have a bit of beef though.  Why is it that I thought us invincible in this area in the first place?  Why did I view infertility as something so foreign?

Why was it that no one was talking about infertility anywhere that I looked?

Our fertility clinic starts twenty couples on IVF every week.  That is over one thousand couples a year.  Where are these people?  There are hundreds of infertility blogs out there.  I am still shocked at how many people openly declare that no one outside of the blog world knows they are even trying to conceive.  I do of course respect this choice, it just is not for me.  We were at a dinner a couple of weeks ago with a woman who has had fertility challenges in the past.  She told me that she would never admit to using fertility treatments.  When asked if she conceived naturally she would always answer yes. 

How will people's perceptions ever warm to in vitro if they remain unaware of its common use? 

Maybe it is just me.  Maybe it is the fact that I am a hopeless liar and a terrible actor but I cannot imagine not speaking up about infertility to those around me. 

oh to be a dancer

These photographs by Silas Stubbs are I want to be a dancer gorgeous..

Crickley Hill by Silas Stubbs via Etsy

via

via

via

MMR, hello monday

It is strange how weekends no longer feel like weekends and Mondays do not feel so differently than Sundays.  Stress and anxiety is a constant thing requiring so much effort to escape. I feel like I am trying to fast forward my life in order to get to the good stuff.

I am getting my MMR (measles, mumps and rubella) vaccine this morning.  After meeting with my Naturopath I feel much better about getting it.  Apparently there is far less risk to adults who receive this shot as compared to children.  Shockingly I am not too put off about having to receive this shot.  I suppose in the grand scheme of things it is hardly invasive and will not involve a trip to the anxiety riddled fertility clinic.

Happy Monday!

Let's get this party started

via Snippet & Ink via E Tells Tales

It is time to get this in vitro party started!  In a day or two we will officially be out of the gate and starting our in vitro protocol.  I am excited.  I am scared.  This is happening.  It could work.  God I hope it does.

At eight am this morning we were sitting in a conference room with five other fertility challenged couples and one instructor.  We were learning, step by (painful) step, how this will go down.  I had been warned that this would be boring.  It was not boring.  It was stressful.  I think the word fear best describes my feelings throughout the entire two hours.  Did they really need to include tiny needle pictures on so many slides or mention how they could give me horse tranquilizers during the egg retrieval to deal with my anxiety!  Funny enough the one thing that really stuck out in my mind was the fact that I cannot have any nail polish on the day of the retrieval.  How so very strange.

Sitting in the car leaving the clinic I did have a bit of a hysterical moment.  It was bound to happen.

All was not lost.  We headed to the glebe (trendy neighbourhood in Ottawa) for some breakfast and shopping.  In a very strange turn of events, I am now shopping again.. nothing crazy.. but I have been told to reward myself in these trying times.

Next up... trying to keep it together mentally and trying to physically relax.

Happy Saturday!

feeling a bit light hearted

The clinic called.  We are in for the information session this Saturday!  Time to get the ball officially rolling.

I also spent a great hour today with a great woman... more to come on that later.

Topped off the day with a hip opening yoga class... hips are apparently the place where we hold our emotions.

Things are absolutely looking up and I plan on holding onto that feeling for as long as I can.

I have a very soft spot for what many may think of as juvenile fictional stories.  Peter Pan is one of my favourites.  This original papercut Peter Pan is by tinatarnoff via Etsy.

wainscoting anyone?

A couple of days ago whilst experiencing full fledged panic mode, I had come up with a couple of contingency plans to put into action in case we were benched until January.  One such plan involved either wainscoting or putting up strategically placed molding all over our first floor... well except in the office since it is perfect just the way it is.  I casually dropped this idea to my Husband and let us just say that his response was less than favourable (that from the man who offered to buy us anther kitten!).

I did some google-ing and fell in love.  I may just have to investigate this further, benched or not!

I love the white on white of this room via Horchow

This is dramatic and gorgeous via Horchow

Love the tone on tone of these as well.  That bedroom looks so inviting!  via Lonny

 Love the gold mirror against the all white walls via Lonny

I am not sure I love the different wall colours between the trim and the wall paint, but it is an option to consider.  via lonny via fabulousK

What do you think, can wainscoting add character that is severely lacking in a new home or would I regret this the minute it is up?

love this

At My Best by 3LambsGraphics... p.s.  where was this print yesterday?

me, one day later

I feel calm. The permanent crease in my forehead is temporarily relaxed.  I feel so heavy, in a good way.  I think I could actually sleep for a really long time right now.  This is me one day later. 

Right now I am on somewhat of a post acupuncture high.  Yes I loathe needles.  Acupuncture is different.  I was first introduced to acupuncture last winter.  This was one of many interventions I tried to right my body before we had my Husband tested.  Today was different... I was there for pure stress relief.  The minute that needle went into my forehead, the permanent forehead stress melted away. 

I also happened upon this over lunch...

I tried it on.  I loved it.  I put it back.  God I am disciplined!  Back at the office Sue, of ProjectLifebySue, miraculously had a forty percent off coupon for today that she swore she was not intending to use.  Long story short.  The dress is mine.

One more key piece to my much improved demeanor at the moment... voicemail... yes there was a blinking light awaiting my arrival post acupuncture.  Test results are in.  The clinic will be calling to hopefully book us in for the information session this Saturday.  This means we have a good chance of starting this cycle and not being benched until January.  All is not lost.  I can breathe again.

feeling fragile, IVF 2011 might be the case

Today was tough.  Today pushed the boundaries of my emotional capability.  Today might have changed a lot.  There are still no test results.  There is still no commitment to start this coming cycle.  Odds are now that we will not be able to start until January.  I am so frustrated.

This whole process is frustrating enough without being robbed of all control.  This is especially difficult for me.  I prefer to control everything.  When I heard from the clinic that there were still no results, and that I might just have to wait until January... because apparently you cannot begin a first cycle during the holiday season.. I had a mini breakdown... after I hung up the phone of course.  I cannot keep feeling this way for another three months.

In a moment of weakness my Husband went as far as offering to buy us another kitten.  Apparently he has difficulty figuring out what exactly to do with me in trying times like these.  I do not blame him... I do not know what to do with myself either.  I turned down the offer shockingly, but we did settle on a post work trip to explore the newly opened Urban Outfitters and a dinner out downtown.  My Mom, who already stopped by for an impromptu Starbucks drop off an hour earlier, hurried back over with 27 Dresses in tow to bridge the gap sans Husband.

It is times like these where I feel weak and fragile.  I hate that I feel this way.  I cannot change it.

Urban Outfitters was a disappointment, as it always is in my opinion.  My sister would disagree and always looks fabulous but it is just not for me.  In any case, I did walk away with one new purchase.  A Truly Madly Deeply Graphic Tee.  I can never have too many t-shirts.

We are now back at home.  I kind of feel numb.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  I can only try to accept it.

It is amazing how a beautiful message on a beautiful print can cheer me up, even if it is just a little.  You Are Love by theloveshop via Etsy

lack of sleep

I was awake, and I mean wide awake, at three am this morning.  This type of behaviour has been occurring far too frequently these days.  To make matters worse, not only was I awake, I was also obsessively dwelling on injections, our childless state and how I will inevitably have to wake up in three short hours.  I tossed.  I turned.  It was six am.  I was still awake.

I gave myself a break.  I asked my Husband to re-set the alarm for seven thirty and I managed to get in a solid one and a half hours.  Instead of sitting in my cubicle downtown, I am sitting in my kitchen, working remotely.  Now for those of you who know me well... working from home is not a rare occurance for me.  One of the benefits that I treasure about my job is my ability to telecommute.  I am not breaking any rules but I had planned on going in today.  Usually I follow through on that plan.  Today I am giving myself a break.

Now if I could only figure out a way to cease the mid-night spontaneous panic attacks..

At least the Lollia print is making me happy this morning..

i'm in love

Her name is Lollia... I was introduced by Lonny Magazine..

By JKLDesign Via Lonny Via Etsy

There is just something about this that pulls me in.  It may just be that if skin cancer did not exist I would be this woman, laying forever in the sun.

ruffles anyone

I was doing some window shopping via my couch this morning on Anthropologie.  Window shopping by couch is much safer than window shopping by store.  I have a tendency to over analyze purchases in person yet still find a way to over purchase in person.  By window shopping from the comfort of my couch I remind myself that I am at home and not in a mall for a reason.  I cannot spend any money!  So wish away I will!

Hiking Ruffles Cardigan via Anthropologie

Sweet Biscuit Tee via Anthropologie

Cym & Ripple Coat via Anthropologie

Did I go on a mission to find only ruffled clothing items you ask?  Not in the least.  Apparently my subconscious wants me to want ruffles!

turkey time, happy thanksgiving!

These were on each of the plates at our Thanksgiving Dinner table setting.  I love how they aren't the traditional pumpkin orange.

I have been a bit absent the past couple of days.  I have been busy baking cake(s), eating turkey and drinking way too much wine!  We have had a packed schedule this weekend beginning with going to the season opener Sens hockey game on Friday night.  Saturday was a day full of baking and cooking and then eventually hosting Thanksgiving dinner number one for us.  Thanksgiving dinner number two occurred last night at my Husband's Father's house.  Thanksgiving meal number three will take place tonight and consist of left overs.

I am not the cook in the family.  My Mom was not the cook in our household growing up.  We love men who cook!  On rare occasions I do decide to tackle a meal, or in this case desert, in the kitchen.  Most times it does turn out, but not without a struggle.  The struggle this time around... oh I forgot a key ingredient in my coconut layer cake... the baking powder.  Instead of a fluffy cake, I had something that resembled pound cake.  I went with the flow.  I ran to the store.  I bought more eggs.  I bought more coconut milk.  I triumphed and re-made the cake.  I would like to blame this mishap on my stress level in general, but I think me and the kitchen just were not meant to be.

All was not lost.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner here with my Parents (who brought the turkey) and our neighbors (who were experiencing their first ever Thanksgiving dinner)!

 Today we are taking it easy.  So far we have watched a movie and eaten a wheat free but delicious quiche. I seem to be doing a good job of remaining stress free!  Let's hope I can say the same thing tomorrow morning!

Via a Hallmark Card from my Parents

new moon at six am

Yes I was watching New Moon at six am this morning.  I started it last night.  My plan was to go to body attack but by five pm, I was just too drained.  So I gave in.  I would have finished it last night but had to stop it so that I could watch Vampire Diaries.  Are we seeing a trend here perhaps?

Twilight, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Anne Rice... I love them all.  They are such an escape and that is what I need right now.  So instead of trying to expand my reading and viewing variety I have decided to embrace it.  Besides, books and movies about realistic occurrences seem far too stressful at the moment.

Escaping allows me to forget about the anxiety that I have because the clinic has yet to receive my HIV test results, which means we have yet to book our information session, which means that we might not book it on time to start cycling this cycle, which means that we could possibly have another month.. okay I will be honest, it is more like six weeks with me.. of waiting.  In short, it allows me to forget about having no control over this entire process. 

So for that I think I am justified in my six am watching of New Moon.

Heidi thinks so too!

my love hate relationship with wheat

A few months back when my skin was at its worse, I decided that I had enough with waiting for my body to right itself.  It was time to take a more drastic approach.  I eliminated dairy, sugar and wheat from my diet completely.  At first I was in a state of constant hunger but I adapted.  I learned that I could deal with the lack of dairy and even sugar.  The wheat was another story.  I love bread.  I do not even really like food but I really do love bread.  I was definitely experiencing withdrawal. 

Fast forward one month and I had yet to notice a significant improvement in my appearance so I decided to reintroduce the long lost dairy, sugar and wheat into my diet.  My body welcomed the dairy and sugar back with open arms.  This was not the case with the wheat.  Perhaps reintroducing wheat in the form of a rich pasta dinner was not the wisest choice I have been known to make. 

I have cheated.  I have paid the price.  I cannot have wheat.  Life goes on but whenever I see a fresh baguette I cry a little on the inside.  Okay perhaps I am being a tad dramatic.

Luckily there are options for those who share my hardship.  Some better than others.  A couple of months ago I discovered a great wheat free brownie option.  I am convinced that even my Husband liked it until I let him in on the wheat free secret.  It was a natural progression to purchase the chocolate chip counterpart.  I only assumed that it would be just as good, perhaps even better than the brownie mix.  I was wrong.

They may not look awful, but believe me they are.  If you have any suggestions for a great wheat free cookie option, please do tell...

wall of pictures or what i did last night

Last night's efforts to create a wall of pictures and prints remains a work in progress.  We are finding it a challenge to come up with a design that works and I am thinking that perhaps we just need another print or two to provide us with the proper inspiration.  Enter more etsy window shopping...

The colours in this Green Sky Birds print by MaiAutumn are gorgeous

This Peacock by CassiaBeck might work well with the other prints and photos

This Morning Light print also by CassiaBeck I love, but I am unconvinced that it isn't too bright for our living room.

Love the punch of red in this print by Hijirk (too bad it is sold)

Do you have any suggestions on how to hang multiple prints and photographs of varying dimensions on one wall... I would love to hear them.  I am thinking something along the lines of this might work...

Via CassiaBeck

I have been trying to get into a new book for about a week now.  It is called The House at Riverton.  I just finished The Forgotten Garden which is the second book written by this author.  This one seems to be dragging and I have been forgoing reading for the past few nights and instead, laying in bed thinking.  This is a bad approach.  Last night I caved and pulled out Twilight.. just what I needed.. and yes, I have read it way too many times!

grasping for control

I seem to be struggling.  This is harder than I thought.  I have been trying to remain in a positive state but I am just so distracted.  Focusing on anything is becoming harder every day.  Lately I am stressing about how unnatural this whole process will be for my body.  A year ago we were in such a different place.  I sought out a naturopathic doctor to start trying to conceive in the most natural way possible.  Now I find myself grasping at whatever little control we have left to make this anything close to natural. 

Apparently I am not immune to Rubella but I am not not immune either... I am somewhere in between.  I am now mentally debating whether or not to get the vaccine.  I have been debating this since Friday and have come up blank so I am off tomorrow to see my ND.  Hopefully she can help with the mental haziness that I seem to be experiencing.

One nice surprise today... my love birds print arrived!  New focus for tonight.. deciding how to hang five to six prints and photos!

By theloveshop via Etsy

waiting

It is a chilly monday here in Ottawa but the sun looks like it will make an appearance.  Today we are waiting.  We are waiting for the call from the clinic to schedule our information session.  The clinic still needs my HIV test results.  This is a formality but an obstacle nonetheless.  If we book our information session this week and if every step of the in vitro process goes perfectly then in theory we would know by Christmas.  My stomach is in knots.  It seems to be in this state quite often these days.  So many ifs and so much beyond our control.

All we can do right now is wait.

Idle time is not my friend.  The whole concept of just laying around and relaxing seems not to apply to me at this time.  My Husband forewarned me last weekend that the Ryder Cup was on this weekend.  I love how he recognizes my inability to sit around and entertain myself at this point.  I spent a large part of the weekend with my parents.  Yesterday we went to Gatineau Park on a hike.  This hike has previously taken my Husband and I an hour and forty five minutes to complete.  Yesterday we did it in three.  I enjoyed every second of it.

Wolf Trail, Gatineau Park, Quebec

I love the crunch of the leaves.

Such a pretty colour.