i missed my one year blog anniversary

I am officially disappointed in myself.  I mean I did just have two babies 7 weeks ago but really, I never thought I would miss such an important milestone.  I catch myself thinking about how amazing our life is right now and that if I could only tell my former (one year ago) self that everything really would turn out so well, I could have avoided months and months of agony (and so could have Andrew).  Of course life just doesn't work like that.  Life throws you curve balls and expects you to work them out.  For me life was going pretty damn well until we found out that we wouldn't be able to make a baby the good old fashioned way.  I mean I knew who I wanted to marry when I was thirteen, I actually did marry that person when I was twenty five and here we were on track to start a family.  A year ago I did have hope but that was mixed with a ton of nerves and fears.

I am not a mushy person.  In fact I have been labelled things such as "ice queen" in the past.  Until recently I haven't had a sentimental bone in my body (I think babies change this though).  This blog has allowed me to go to places I normally wouldn't, to pull apart my guarded self, to write down things I am scared about thinking and best of all to reach out to people, find common ground and connect.

thank you for reading, thank you for sharing, every comment is so encouraging, it's like opening a present over and over every day.

Here are the posts that tell my story so far... how I started out a year ago and how much everything has changed so profoundly...

like a band-aid (my first post)
where was the caution sign? (our infertility struggled laid out for all to read)
about that soccer field or why i believe in fate (how I knew I wanted to marry Andrew when I was 13)
my november, hello ivf calender (yes... it's my ivf calender in case you're curious of how this all went down)
needle party officially begun (because I loathe needles and you might too... they aren't so bad especially if your husband incorporates a needle dance)
rather be hiking, well maybe not (what we give up to get the chance at a baby)
trigger time, get excited (getting to trigger is like finding the golden ticket..)
needles, drugs and nineteen eggs (hmmm nineteen eggs, no wonder I looked pregnant..)
pupo (pregnant until proven otherwise)
best birthday ever (birthday + positive pregnancy test = best day ever)
baby A... baby B... hello twins! (what a way to ring in the new year!)
35 weeks pregnant (wow what a tummy!)
instant family  (they're here!)

Next up... birth story, nursery tour and perhaps I will even get my shit together enough to post our backyard reveal!

Thanks for following along!

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gorgeous

I love this.  It makes me want to run outside and bask in the crisp fall sunset.

Sweet Dreams by donnageissler via etsy

Today I am off to get my hair cut and coloured.  This will be my first prolonged time away from Isla and Alice.  I am going to try and relax and enjoy it and don't worry... I have zero plans of getting a "mom" bob!

Happy Wednesday!

and the identical mystery continues...

On Saturday we braved an 18 baby get together... yes... 18 twins (from nine sets of parents whom we met at our multiples prenatal classes) in one house simultaneously.  It was so great to chat with other parents of multiples.  They get what the daily chaos is like when you have two babies living under your roof.  It reminds us that we aren't alone and that other people do this crazy juggling act all day every day as well!

Funny enough we were all talking about how raising twins so far is completely manageable and not nearly as overwhelming or impossible as we anticipated.  Just accept the insanity and go with it.  That's what we do every day and it seems to be working.  At one point we actually managed to get all 18 babies lying in a circle for a photo and by some miracle at one point, none of them were crying.

Out of the nine couples, three of us had identicals... or shall I say two of them definitely had identical twins and we seem to have impostor... how are they identical identical twins...

more proof...

hmmm...

we love the sling

I think the sling is essential for any new mother or father (yes I've managed to get this on Andrew once or twice... in the comfort of our home.... he has his beco butterfly wrap which is admittedly much more "manly" but you can't beat the closeness that a wrap can offer).  

Whenever I leave the house this comes with me.  If they're in the stroller and one starts fussing I pull out the wrap.. instant soother.   

I have the Sleepy Wrap.  I wanted the Hugabub but just couldn't justify the $135+ price tag when the sleepy wrap is closer to $60.  The Sleepy Wrap is made out of a thicker (read hotter) material so if you were expecting early summer or if you live in a hot climate I would definitely go for the pricier wrap made of thinner material.  Luckily Ottawa is mostly frigid with a touch of heat in the summer so this works here.

I love how she stares right up at me...

I love love how they both seem to drift off so easily when they are good and wrapped up.

and they also provide me with hours of entertainment... funny face style.

Happy monday!

how soon is too soon to sleep train?

Our girls are over six weeks old and to be honest things have just been so busy we have sort of just forgotten about everything we read about sleep training pre-babies.  We have also not really felt the urge to coerce our girls into some sort of military-like schedule so young.  They also sleep really, really well at night in between feedings.  The problem arises during the day... yes napping... they don't seem to be so solid at napping.

So now I am worrying a bit that they are fussy during the day because they are overtired but in order for them to not be overtired they need to not be fussy so that they actually sleep.. It's a vicious cycle.

I read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins and I did retain some of the information and should likely crack it open again but when I actually have time to read these days I would really prefer to continue plowing through the Hunger Games Trilogy... I say plowing because I am not loving it but feel the need to keep reading to see if somewhere soon it gets better (I am nearing the end of the second book... if you're read them and think that the third one is awesome please let me know).

At this point I am really hoping that someone has some advice.  Right now we are sitting here watching Modern Family with one baby in the bassinet behind us and one asleep in Andrew's arms... is that wrong?  Part of me thinks that they should likely be in our room at this point, asleep in their bassinet.  The other part that realizes there are so few hours of calm in our days says to just let this continue.

So please tell me... should we be sleep training them now?

will i go back

I never talk about work on here.  I rarely talk about work outside of work to anyone except Andrew.  Why is this?  

Well if I am being honest, I kind of hate it.  

Ever since Alice and Isla were born I've contemplated how I would ever go back to work.  I look at their gorgeous little faces and tear up even thinking about dropping them off somewhere else day after day.  

I'm not sure if I would feel differently if I was actually passionate about what I did.  I think I would still feel the same way.  I know that people say that having children changes you and I always assumed that it would.  I just never realized how much it would change me. 

So while feeding, changing, soothing and playing with our babies I am also caught thinking... constantly... about how I can not go back to work.

Andrew, the engineer that he is, has laid it out on the line... excel style.  The main issue being... can we afford this?

I am debating such things as taking in more children... yes that's right... daycare, starting my own company as a professional organizer, lifestyle consultant, freelance writer, wellness coach or working as a consultant in what I know but loathe... recruiting.

I have close to a year to get this together but I need a plan now... or more like yesterday.

Any ideas?  If you have children do you work or stay at home?  How did you make this decision?

I just can't imagine leaving them.

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our week in pictures

Isla and Alice will be six weeks old tomorrow!  This week all of a sudden they both seem so much bigger.  Andrew weighed himself and then held each of them and stepped back on the scale last night (I am way too frightened to get near that scale at this point).  Isla is over 8 pounds and Alice over 7!!  It seemed like they were hovering around birth weight for so long and suddenly they are fitting into clothes.

Last night I actually got my wedding rings on.  Apparently heading back to the gym and constantly feeding these two is making a difference after all!

Since I haven't managed to do more daily posts I am doing a bit of a dump here to fill you in on what has been keeping me busy...

what's funnier than a lounging baby... nothing.

okay so maybe her Daddy put her in this pose... maybe.

they are so alert now... so fun to watch them watching you

at the wedding with alice... and alice's one and a half year old cousin... seriously... is she ever going to be that big!

 This is the dress I ended up in.  Looking at these pictures... not sure it was the best idea as the smallest part of the dress is always hidden by a baby which leaves me looking like a blob... did I mention I've been to two body pump classes this week?

Have a fabulous weekend!

fairy tales are pretty

I've always had a touch of peter pan syndrome..... as in I would prefer to never grow up... as in I would enroll in hogwarts if such a place existed, several of my favourite books and movies are intended for children and I still believe in the Easter Bunny... I mean I saw him walk into my house when I was little!

Today I got through the entire day sans help!  So so so satisfying...

So right now I am balancing a baby in one arm, a glass of wine in the other and typing with... well the arm that just put the wine down.  I am in my own fairy tale...

these are so so pretty...

Searching for Fairy Tales by ThisYearsGirl via Etsy

The Queen by ThisYearsGirl via Etsy

bliss

Yes I heard from several people while I was pregnant that a swing was an essential item....

No we did not purchase one while I was pregnant thinking that the vibrating bouncy chair would suffice....

we were wrong...

a swing = bliss

one wailing baby whilst nursing another baby is now a thing of the past (fingers crossed)

dear fisher price... i think i might just love you

if breastfeeding was an Olympic sport....

Isla would win gold....

I wish I was kidding but honestly... she attacks me like she has never eaten before... like she will never eat again... like she is the hungriest baby alive...

I actually have to take a few good deep long breathes when she first latches on until she eases up.

Alice on the other hand generally takes her sweet time... like she is sitting down for a five course meal and must pace herself to get through all of the courses.

I feel very lucky that I am able to breastfeed them both.  I constantly have to remind myself of this fact since I do feel like an all hours, all-you-can-eat buffet.  My life involves one and a half hour instances where I run around and try to eat, make myself presentable and most recently squeeze in time to kick this flab off of my body.

It's worth it though... right... yes yes it is ... I mean how satisfied was I when the doctor told us that Isla is in the 90th percentile for growth... that's with my milk!

Here we are.... my little gobbler and I

identical... hmmm?

Our identical twins do not look identical.  When they were born they looked quite different.  Their skin tone was very different, their heads were a totally different shape and we could tell them apart easily... we did not expect this.

So for the past 4+ weeks we have been wondering if they are in fact identical.

It is no secret that we did IVF.  One of the interesting parts of conceiving with IVF is the early ultrasounds that you receive.  Our early ultrasounds perplexed the doctors at our clinic as they were apparently not used to seeing identicals.  The evidence seemed simple enough... one placenta... no marker for two placentas having fused together... identical twins.

But here we are wondering if there is an exception to this.  Could our girls be in fact the product of our two transferred embryos... rather then the one we thought had split?

I guess we will just have to wait and see if these two precious faces become more similar over time.

Personally, I think it would be great if they remain different physically, I mean who wants to have an identical looking twin?

Oh and I know some of you have been asking who is who... so take a wild guess and let me know who you think is Alice and who is Isla.

Happy Weekend!

one month old

dear alice, isla and andrew,

Last night I was laying in bed, thinking how crazy it seems that a month ago you were preparing to make your debut and I was in labor.  I still look at you.. every day... and wonder how you possibly both were in my belly at the same time.

This month has easily been the best month of my life.  Nothing else comes close.

Every day I learn something new about you and I also surprise myself by figuring out something else that will make this whole circus just a bit more simple.  It amazes me still how much of this is instinctual.  Thank god for that.

In a month you've both gotten bigger, your voices are stronger, you are better at breastfeeding, you smile more and more and you open your big, beautiful eyes and look up at me.

Andrew.. you are so.. so.. good at this.  I will always think back to our time at the hospital.. from the five hour energy drink you downed as soon as we were admitted... the unforgettable expression on your face when the first baby was born... the countless diaper changes and swaddling that you did while I was recovering from my complications and to our first night together, as a family of four, in that tiny little private hospital room.

This first month has inched by.  I have loved every minute of it.

xoxo mommy

mistake

Last night I tried on a dress... one that fit easily on my former pre-preggo skinny frame.

It did not go well.

Andrew had to peel it off of me and I actually had a mini panic attack thinking that it would not fit back over these boobs and we might just have to cut it off.

This mistake is a result of me actually thinking that the dress might work for a wedding that we are going to next weekend.

So now I am officially dress-less and I do not want to buy a new one since I will only be this current size for a fleeting moment (okay maybe slightly more then fleeting).

Lesson learned.  No more trying on old, pre preggo clothes until I am convinced that they actually have a shot at fitting.

French Girl's Wardrobe by lesleysico via etsy

let's spoon

Spooning... it's one of those things that I would day dream about when I was younger... yes I would picture me.. and my yet undiscovered future husband spooning.  This is the type of thing that occupied my young teen mind... sad.. maybe... but true.

Why am I bringing this up you might wonder?  Well lately I have been rather busy... mostly breastfeeding twin girls... and the first non-baby thing that pops into my mind... spooning... maybe it's because I replaced the snoogle preggo pillow with a regular pillow between us (I need something to support these boobs!) and haven't actually slept near Andrew for months and months... or maybe because we are just so busy now with feeding, changing, and cuddling our babies that a small part of me is yelling what about us... whatever it is... I have spooning on the brain.

So I brought up the whole... why don't we spoon more question to Andrew the other day... and his reply..... shave your head and I'll spoon the f!#% out of you.

Andrew likes to be the little spoon... as in the one getting spooned as opposed to the spooner.  His rationale... my hair.. apparently it suffocates him if he's the spooner.

well I had "man hair" once in my life and I never intend to return to those days of horror.

so tell me... do you spoon?

via Le Love via cristina_aboutdesouffle